The Doll's Diary.

(Not to be confused with the doll’s dairy-which, hopefully, is nonexistent because I’m lactose intolerant, as are most humans.)

I’ve decided to start this new segment of blogging where I’m kinda spilling my thoughts and pouring my heart out. Through the various “self-help” seminars and books and other means of absorption, I’ve come to be quite familiar with the idea of being authentic with yourself and others. My parents have always been advocates of the "be the best YOU you can be" sort of encounter with life, too. Counterintuitively, sometimes this takes a lot of work. I think being my authentic self has never really been a struggle but setting boundaries has. Especially in this day and age, where we are all searching for our tribes and looking for inspiration on the internet-I’ve struggled with the concept of sharing because I also think that privacy is important. However, there really is no issue with putting yourself completely out there in a way that respects your values and upholds whatever level of privacy you’re comfortable with…so I’m here to throw my hat over the wall and share!

Upon reading several books from many inspiring humans, I’ve created a few different “mission statements,” if you will, about how I’d like to contribute to this world. A lot of “successful” people have overcome their struggles in life and decided to share their journey with others in order to guide them out of their darkness or just be a light of inspiration! I think this is so moving. Especially when it comes to trauma. I’ve had my fair shares of trauma but most of them involve other people that wouldn’t appreciate me sharing their involvement whether or not I have gratitude for their roles as initiators in my growth and learning. Either way, I don’t have to share about them. This is my life and the issues that I’ve overcome or I’m learning to overcome really don’t have to do with anyone else anyway.

Understanding yourself, loving yourself, and assessing your skills and attributes is a beautiful place to start when contemplating how you’d like to impact the world. However, analytics can only get you so far. And after several fruitless goose-chases, I still haven’t been able to determine my birth time which prevents me from reading my detailed astrological birth charts and human design whatever-you-call-them and that’s okay. I don’t need to label myself to oblivion in order to contribute to my community. However, I do know that I have strong entertainer and nurturing profiles inside me and I’d like to harness that in a way that I can actually utilize these skills instead of just self-taping to nowhere and folding laundry sun-up to sun-down. I think that mental health is extremely important and severely underrated, but I certainly don’t want to become a psychologist or anything of the sort. Ideally, I’d like to spread awareness for mental health in an entertaining fashion and give people the pick-me-up (“I’m here for you” “You’re not alone” “We’re all human” pep talks that I give to my closest family and friends) that we all need, on a global scale.

I’ve devised, what I think to be, a cute little mission statement that I’d like to live my life by (for now at least):
Dragging loner losers out of their caves and into the light.. (one at a time, starting with me.) This whole loner-loser verbiage might be a little curt for some people, at first. But I think once you get to know me, you know my intentions are pure and my language can be a bit rough. I wouldn’t say anything to you that I wouldn’t want to hear myself, when/if I need it. And to be a genuine, authentic friend, that truly cares about your well-being, I think you have to be a little blunt to get the point across. I definitely don’t want someone to tell me my hair looks nice if I’ve got a huge knot popping out in the back.

Anyway, what do I consider a loner-loser & why would I put myself in that umbrella??? I think we are all loner-losers at some point in our lives-in fact, multiple points. And that’s not to say that being a loner-loser is a bad thing-or something to be ashamed of! Quite the contrary! I must say, I was an avid participant in the emo movement of the early 2000’s and I think it is healthy to acknowledge those feelings of depression and isolation. I have, just-also learned that remaining in that state for too long is not healthy for you as an individual or us (humans) as a whole. As my mom famously likes to say, “I don’t mind a little bit, but that’s just out of hand.” Just a much funner way of saying “Everything in moderation,” which I think definitely applies to our negative emotions as it does almost everything else. So please, swim in our tears of dramatics, but let’s make it a healthy purge of our emotions and acknowledgement of our mental space and then get the fuck back up & keep rocking on!!!

When you’re in this low, dark place it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel which is why I think a lot of us get stuck in it for quite some time. However, from all of the highly successful (in all areas of life, I’m not just talking financial) people I’ve tried to learn from, I’ve found that what keeps these people going is a solid support system. They’ve created a community of people that can be there for them when they’re in the dumps and vice versa. A sort of mental/emotional insurance plan, if you will. The difficulty with this, is that a lot of people feel that they don’t have this support system and they don’t know where to start. Myself included. Growing up, particularly during my emo years, I knew I felt completely alone and no one understood me and no one was there for me. And I’ve felt like that very recently as well. As this may be partially true, the other half of this “reality” is just perspective. I have a hilarious picture of me from my childhood that I will keep forever because the hysterical irony in that moment.

My mother took a picture of me at the age of 13, I believe, sitting on the island in our kitchen slumped all the way over hands and feet dangling over the side of the counter-long blonde hair covering it all making me look like Cousin-it. I was depressed and this physicality is exactly how I felt, even as dramatic as it was. That was my reality. “I’m so alone.” “No one understands me.” I have no one to confide in.” “No one knows how hard I have it.” My mother simply laughed at me and took a picture. I was astounded! How could she be laughing at me at a time like this?! I’m going through a very traumatic period of my life and she should feel bad for me! Oh my teenage thoughts-I’m sure the self-centeredness of a spoiled white girl in her teens at least quadrupled my negative perspective of my valid-enough traumas. To quickly redeem my mother from her confusing reaction to my sadness, allow me to explain what I walked into about 2 days later…

My mom takes me on some errands supplemented by picking up pizza from our local Domino’s. She knew how to get me out of my depression cave. A little pizza can go a long way when you’re feeling down in the dumps-even though I know Domino’s pizza should certainly remain in moderation. “I don’t mind a little bit but…” Anyway, here we are picking up more pizzas than I could eat, (but I most definitely ate an entire one, myself, on the way home) and I was just moping around with my very patient mother, as I usually did. Typical day for that chapter of my life. I wouldn’t and didn’t think twice about it. Then we head home (and I eat one full pizza on the way there) and I carry the pizza boxes through the front door where am I bombarded with a house-full of loving people screaming the stereotypical “Surprise!!!!” as one does at a surprise party.

That is the only surprise party I have ever gotten and I’m perfectly okay with that because it was at a much-needed time in my life and I’m grateful to have had one in my lifetime at all! I still have the hand-written invitation that my best friend created & photocopied to everyone for that party to come together! I will always have so much gratitude for her and her dedication to making that party happen even though she wasn’t allowed to attend! My mother was brilliant for creating this & my best friend showed so much love in conspiring with her! And to everyone that actually showed up! Like damn! That’s what it’s about! Life is a big fuckin’ party and we gotta show up for each other! Cheers!

All of this ramble of a story to say that my mom is the best mom in the world & we love each other so much! And moms are so amazing in general- I mean, she really did something just so special-But also, of course, that perspective is huge and life can be shitty, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. And in that light at the end of the tunnel, there’s some amazing loving people telling you to “hurry the fuck up!” I’ve always struggled with “finding my place,” and having a “squad.” I’ve usually been the chick with one two best friends that I check in with periodically or just the self-proclaimed “loner!” This holds true through middle, high-school, college, “adulthood.” And those people that held that difficult-yet-hopefully-somewhat-rewarding-and-balanced-healthy-supportive-positive roles as one of my best friends, I truly thank God for you. I thank you. I thank your mothers for giving birth to you and I thank the Universe for bringing us together. I don’t know how I would’ve survived/continue to survive, without you. And not only survive, but truly enjoy life! Something I find is much easier with a best friend like you! Thank you! I love you!

I have learned the power of groups, though. People that I will always hold dear in my heart, from all facets of life. I joined the crew team and theatre troupe in high school, I was very involved in the theatre program at my college and had an amazing team there as well! Every job I’ve ever worked at, I’ve made some truly inspiring and uplifting friends! Every gig or course I was attended, it was a form of collaboration with a team, a way to see the true power of humans in numbers.

Crew (or I guess I should also call it "rowing," for thoes of you who are saying "wtf" right now) physically pushed me in a ways to where I thought my muscles were bryond maxed out. But I never actually died. I’ll never forget running the track with my team in conditioning for crew, when I was 10000% spent and my body was dead and I had to drop out of the run-one of the girl’s, I believe it was Bekah Floyd, actually pushed me! She fuckin’ pushed me! She slowed down, got behind me and pushed me! I was flabbergasted! Before I could ever process the thought of “Did she just push me-wtf-“ she followed up her brash action with the words “come on, keep going!” And somehow amidst all that very aggressive encouragement, I was still fucking running!!!!! WTF!!! My legs are jello but they’re still moving!!!! I had had unlocked this weird reserve of strange, powerful, zombie power!!! Only, no. I didn’t. Bekah did. My TEAM did. We were all running and simultaneously dying, and I wasn’t the only one that needed/received this encouragemnt.

And where did it come from? It can from US. And, of course, with some spiritual understanding, it is fair to say that the energy came from ALL of us interconnected with the God-type entity (whomever you call it) that gives all beings light and energy and life! However you want to interpret it, there’s motherfucking power in groups! It just makes logical sense, too, when you think about it. We (humans) fall weak in the minority of moments, so when there is more than 2 of us, there’s a greater likelihood that the team can carry the weight of the weakling/lift them back up, when needed. I’ve seen this everywhere in my life-not just in crew or in friendships. In theatre and film, there are a ridiculous number of people working to make the show what it is and the show must always go on! In the work-place, which the majority of mine have been in the food/alocohol service industry, things typically operate similarly as they do in theatre, shits gotta get done, so we figure it out. I think there’s something special about enduring challenges together as well. I used to (still do) always joke with my bother (he's just the best big brother in the world-I love him so much) that “the trauma really brought us together” because-well, you do form bonds with people when you go through shit together. This holds true for all of my other experiences listed above. I wonder if you can see that in the relationships in your life too.

Maybe you haven’t had the chance to truly experience that with someone or a group of people. But if that’s the case, I highly encourage you to throw yourself into one. This is why I say “dragging loner losers out of their cave and into the light” because it’s important to remember that PEOPLE are IMPORTANT and SELF-ISOLATION is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE!!! And don’t worry, I am whole-heatedly yelling at myself with those angry-all-caps letters. I have that tendency to run away from the crowd, to ghost my best friends, to disappear from the world. I’d like to think that we all do, at least sometimes. That’s what I’m telling myself, at least. But if this resonates with you, let this be a reminder to find your tribe!!! Call those people you consider your besties and join a local sport/hobby/job/art group!!! These are things I’m actually currently working on as well. Even as I type: “call those people you consider to be besties,” an anxiety awakens in me with thoughts that evoke guilt, hesitation and sadness. What a bizarre human brain. The truth is, the minute I hear their voices, I will be filled with so much joy and we will strengthen our friendship in sharing, catching up, venting, encouraging-all the wonderful things best friends do for each other. Just gotta throw the hat and live your fucking life once in a while. Anyway, I’m in the process of moving, and of course, as an OG emo girl, I’ve timed my friend-making process to align perfectly with my domesticated relocation so I’m trying my best to set myself up for success by identifying groups I can jump into.

It can be very painful to feel like you are alone. The ache of heartbreak could only be compared to it I think. It’s a very dark place that feels like there’s slim chance of survival. It is NOT slim. You have the power to survive and you have the power to thrive! The best way to do this is to love yourself and join a loving community! It might sound cheesy to some and scary to others, but I’m just trying to throw my little wisdom of experience out to others to say: THERE IS HOPE. THERE IS JOY. THERE IS LOVE.
Embrace it.

So anyway, I’ve got a job lined up, I’m looking at signing up for a gym with group classes and I’m concocting a small-operation dinner theatre company to tour locally in the Keys. Whew. That last one sure would be grand! Gives me anxiety thinking about how I’m going to figure out all this business/production stuff when I’m really just an excited actor. Lol-Oh and there is a community garden near-ish by that I’m hoping still exists because the website is extraordinarily outdated and it’s been years since it’s been updated, but I’m going to look further into that and see if I can holistically fertilize my life a little and meet some cool people-learn how to grow food!

Long story short, on this first fuckin’ “diary” entry, ummm, I’m discovering/creating/flourishing my contribution in life and I’m also just taking it day by day here, but fuck, if I can do it, so can you. I fuckin’ love you. You are amazing! You can do anything! You need to say these things to yourself! I have to remind myself these things when I’m feeling particularly down and rejected, betrayed and destroyed. And know that those times are only temporary. And YOU will get through this. WE will get through this. And channel those powerful emotions into something constructive! Authentically share yourself with other humans! It’ll be okay! Ok! I think that’s all for now! Let’s see if I actually follow-through with this project & I’ll keep you updated with all the other shit too in the event that I do! Lmfao! Alright-take care of yourself!!! Especially if you’re feeling like a loner-loser!!!




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