This picture was from when I finally arrived in my new home back on the east coast of the country. Southernmost east coast. I don't often take selfies anymore-but i came across this one
lol my friend @jennywakenbake posted some reflective thoughts on social media recently & it got me thinking too. For being such a stick-it-to-the-man DGAF mentality sorta person (I feel like I do emulate that most of the time) -I have mad social anxiety (also most of the time).
Ya, ya, I know I'm pretty personable & Im pretty good at throwing out decent one-liners for laughs in group settings, but I've still got the voices in my head that say "but what if they think this" "what if they misunderstand me" "i don't want anyone to be influenced by me in a negative way" this social anxiety has reached social media.
Back in the days of MySpace and AIM, where you could hide behind coding, cool edits, sparkly text graphics and usernames, I did really enjoy creating and fearlessly being myself because I was just another random page on a screen. I was young and emotional and rebellious and I relentlessly expressed myself.
As an adult, I've gained some responsibility, considered there might be folks that might look up to me, realized my intentions emit energy to others & also I've become painfully aware of how easy it is to displease others-especially online. Sometimes it takes every fiber of my being to just go to the store that day. Online, sometimes it's easier to just scroll rather than authentically put myself out there for the world to see/judge/comment. But I'll never meet people if I stay in my house. And I'll never make real connections online or whole-heartedly share myself and my gifts with the beautiful virtual world if I'm too scared of what might come of it.
Joining communities is important in life. We do great things when we can all come together! Freedom of expression and creativity is important. Acknowledging your footprint is important. I'm learning to step out of my hermit shell-even if that means joining a gym & consistently taking classes & not talking to anyone-yet.
Starting over in a new city doesn't really feel like starting over. When I moved to LA, I felt very alone. I had a few friends I knew from back home, but I wasn't real good at keeping up with them. They were always there for me though and I eventually made new friends. But starting a new chapter of my life in a new-Ish city doesn't feel so scary and lonely. The people I have in my life are in my life now, no matter the distance. I've got my little family that goes with me (or I go with them lol)- John, Biscuit & Malaya. I've got the rest of my family spread out all over the place & I know they're always here for me.
And I've got Keys friends that are already family. And I've actually reached a point in my life where I genuinely enjoy time by myself. I've always enjoyed alone time, but there's been a few good long chapters of my life where it was difficult to be alone with my depression. I couldn't be with people but I wasn't healthy with myself either. Now I truly feel joy all alone-relaxing, cooking, working on creative projects, organizing, meditating!
I don't NEED more people in my life. I don't need more appointments and dates and distractions. I would like to join more communities where I can contribute my skills and make a positive impact. I would like to be surrounded by people that have similar values and are working toward goals underlined by service to others. I'm excited to fearlessly express myself in life and online!
But maybe it takes me a good few weeks before I introduce myself to someone at the gym, or a couple months to work up the nerve to join the volunteer community, or a few weeks before posting on Instagram, (9/10 times) -it's because I've been feeling anxiety. Whatever. That's where I'm at right now. If I just keep trying, it'll get easier. I'll reach my goals and feel excited to creatively express myself again. I'll launch my solo projects without beating myself up if it's not perfect. I'll be excited to meet people and expand my social butterfly wings without fear of being overloaded. I'm on my way. And I'm feeling good about it.
So hi again. My name's Kelly. I'd like to say I come here often. It's often, every so-often. And I'm working on my consistency in all my areas of my life & not letting my anxiety run me anymore. I'm looking at the world from my gratitude glasses & enjoying every little thing the Universe wants to drop in my lap. I'm so blessed to be where I am. I'm showing up for myself more. And that's exciting because that means I'll show up for others more! I just love what an opportunity life is!!!
Love you allllll,