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I learned some shit this year. Thanks, 2019.

1. Self care. It should be a regular thing. Not a once-a-month ritual of taking a bath and properly shaving my legs. Earlier this year, I had a very bad habit of getting sick all the time. And that could have many root factors and more serious issues at the core-but fortunately, I don’t think it does. When I finally started making sure that I’m getting enough sleep & started taking some basic vitamins, I stopped getting sick. And i don’t want to jinx it, but it’s been a hot minute since I’ve even felt the slightest cold. I’m also learning that it’s important to take mental, spiritual and emotional time as well. I end up spending a lot of my time with the people I care about in this world, and sometimes I put myself on the back burner. Without realizing it, I don’t give myself enough time to relax, meditate, and process things so I end up losing my shit at some point. Self care = alone time & there’s no reason to feel guilty about that.
2. How to say no to things that just aren’t my responsibility. I’d love to be able to help everyone with everything. And I definitely think there’s something to be admired about the people that cover shifts and stay late at their jobs & go above and beyond on every project…it shows a true sense of responsibility. And grit. But, only if you have the rest of your shit together. If you’re saying yes and then overloading yourself, you just look like a dumbass & feel like a mess (aka me AF). Know what’s within your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual limits. Yes, do go above and beyond-but only when you can afford to. And at the end of the day, there’s no sense in feeling guilty for saying no and understanding your limits. The fact of the matter is: if it’s not your responsibility, it’s not your fucking responsibility.
3.  How to say no to things you love. Prioritizing. As much as I’d like do everything and work everywhere and learn everything and exist in multiple places at once, I’ve learned to fight my fomo and make choices that align with my goals. It’s super hard and feels incredibly awful but unfortunately there’s only so much time in a day & you gotta make sacrifices in life. I’ve found that this becomes much easier when you focus on appreciating what you have from your choices rather than focusing on what you had to turn down. And sometimes you have to say no to things because you have other goals in mind, even if an absolute time conflict hasn’t occurred yet. For example, I cut back on one of my “real-life” jobs to give myself more time for modeling and acting. And within 2 weeks, I got a phone call for a reoccurring creative gig. Sometimes you gotta give the universe space to work it’s magic. 
4. How to give people their time. It’s easy to get caught up in the fear that when people step out of your life, that they’re gone forever. Fortunately, that’s just not fucking true. It’s that bird analogy. If you love someone let them go, if they love you too, they’ll come back one day. Or you could cripple them and they’d stay forever. But that’s not the healthiest option, is it? Sometimes people need space, sometimes you need space. Most times it’s really hard to see that in the moment where the space is created. It’s very easy to just get butthurt about it. But from what I’ve learned, you just gotta let it go and realize everything’s not about you. And it’s okay to love people and miss them, but sometimes time apart allows for growth. And that’s fucked if you take that away from them. And from yourself. & even if it seems like you don’t know if you’ll ever see them again, you will. And youll pick back up right where you left off. Cuz life is good and you love each other. I’ve experienced this a few times this year with people I consider myself very close with. And our bonds are even stronger now. It’s a good feeling. Patience is a virtue. If that’s relevant, Idk if that’s relevant, it just sounded good. I gotta google that. 
5. How to chill the fuck out. This one I’m still working on quite a bit. But there have been numerous instances where i feel my face get hot and my breath gets ready to run rampant… & then, I stepped out of the moment just long enough to let my body reset before a full-blown anxiety attack occurs. I’m a spaz. And if you know me, you know this. And this spazzing nature of mine stretches all across the emotional spectrum from depressed to overjoyed. I’m very emotional. Which is great for my craft. But it can be a little much for my real life. I’m working on my skills for controlling my emotions so they don’t control me. Yoga and meditation have helped a lot. But I also have to give credit to my amazing supportive boyfriend. I think he’s gotten a lot better about dealing with me and my anxiety. And his efforts and greatly appreciated. It’s easy to say the wrong thing and get me really spiraling out of control. However, & especially lately, he’s been really good at reminding me to check-in with myself and take a fucking breather. And he does so in a way that doesn’t make me feel ashamed of myself. Which is important. But also, sometimes for this lesson, I just gotta smoke weed and chill TF out. 🤷‍♀️🤣
6. Just make your own cool shit, damn it. I’ve literally been fighting these conforming feelings all my life. It’s been an ongoing battle & slow af understanding of the concept of balance when it comes to falling in line with society & culture, & just doing my own damn thing. The beauty of it all is that I can stick it to the man as much as I want, but if want to exist in a specific community, I have to somewhat play by their rules. As an artist, to break into the creative industry, you have to make some sacrifices. Unfortunately, some of these sacrifices have included quality and story-telling. Quite frankly, I’m just over that shit. I know I have to be somewhat flexible, but I just can’t sacrifice good quality content anymore. I’ve been very fortunate to make some really good pieces this year, but I’ve also found myself reflecting on some not-so-good pieces that I’m honestly just not very proud of. And it was enough for me to learn that it’s time to focus on story-telling and if that means just collaborating with other broke artists, then so be it. Returning my roots here cuz I just can’t eat the sugar-coated bullshit & flavorless kool-aid any longer. I don’t want to be praised for my shitty work. And i don’t want to make shitty work anymore. I guess I’m just done with selling out. Even though I haven’t really sold out that much or I wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck 😂
7. Family first, bro. I’ve always truly valued family and that includes the people in my life that I consider “my people” as well. My boyfriend, his family, all my close friends from FL and growing up, and a few good people now that I’ve added from LA. I’d do anything for them. This is not a new lesson but more of a theme this year and something that I was reminded of. I’m a very ambitious person that can get caught up in my goals from time to time but it’s important that I take time away from all of that to just be supportive for my family and my people. Boundaries are important too, but at the end of the day, all of these arbitrary numbers and physical achievements I’d like to reach don’t mean shit if I don’t have my people by me when I get there. So if that means stepping away from those goals for a few days to be there for the people i care about, so be it. Fuck it, man. I love my people and I love my passions. A happy balance can be found as far as lifestyle choices go but when your fam needs you, they need you. And when you need them, they’re there for you too. 

Cheers to fucking up! Can’t learn anything if you don’t screw up in the first place. Hopefully these lessons really sink in my head for 2020. I’m looking forward to making new mistakes, taking bigger chances, and going on more adventures! Wish you all the same!

-K xoxo