This past week I had a little break down. I had a rough day at work and I really wanted to just go grab a drink with a friend and decompress. Sadly, I realized I didn't have anyone to go grab a drink with me. That was the cherry on top. Tears flowing down my face as I whine to one of my very good (LA) friends on the phone on the way home from work.
The reality is I needed to go home, let the dogs out, cook and clean anyway. I didn't need to go out that night and indulge in a vice to bandaid my upset from work. The negativity spiral of the day made me feel completely alone and pathetic but that's obviously not true. I was on the phone with a friend! I vented to my brother that too! I have an amazing support system!
The triggering reality I needed to face that day was that there's obviously a part of me that is seeking a friend group in the Keys and I haven't exactly established that yet. We have some wonderful neighbors that are very good friends of ours & they've been amazing in having shared dinners and boat days! And I've spent a lot of time with John and his work friends and his old time friends that have been down here visiting!
It sure would be nice to make some friends my age with similar interests and goals. I really would like to have an accountability partner as well! Well the Universe tried to provide for me & I screwed it up of course. I ended up getting this Sunday off work and my gym was hosting a work out pool party at a hotel in Key West! What a great time to meet other people from my gym! Except, no. Everyone was really nice and friendly but I thoroughly embarrassed myself worse than I could've imagined.
I get my little workout station set up and as I look around I see that everyone came with someone else or already knows other people here. I pretty much kept to myself before the workout. A really nice woman named Lola came over and introduced herself. She made me feel 1000% more comfortable. I also ended up meeting a lot more people after the work out-before making a complete ass of myself. Before I needed to pay for parking, I thought-"maybe i should just leave" but that was right after the work out and I hadn't met anyone yet. You can do this Kelly! Stay and hang out!
Once I got a drink in me I didn't feel so fearful and awkward. But then I had a shot. And another drink. And another shot. And I'm pretty sure that's it. Not a big deal. I can do 2 drinks and 2 shots. Oh wait-I didn't have breakfast-I hadn't eaten anything. It's the afternoon and my memory jumps forward to several girls holding my hair in the bathroom before the lovely hotel manager brought me into a room and took care of me like the child I was behaving as. My stomach turns thinking about what I did or said in the moments I can't remember. I will forever be thankful to the women that took care of me that day.
Welp, I'm sure no one will forget me.
I'm the hot mess at the pool party.
I'm gonna run back in my hole now and probably never come out.
Now, today I actually have plans with my neighbor and I'm extraordinarily hung over and not even hungry. I know i need to get some food in me but i feel like i need to throw up and shit and i can't. This is 27. Im embarrassed by my own existence. I talked to one of my friends last night and she told me to laugh it off when I see all those people again. That's the best advice honestly. Right now I'm still wrapped up in my own shame but I'll get there.
The truth is doing life all on your own doesn't work. And i need to make friends. Right now i made a clubhouse room and it's hilarious because its just me by myself and no one else. But of course! I don't know why I thought I might have a couple people randomly show up. How would they? No one even knows! Conversations don't work if there's one person. That's why I like to blog. You can do it alone. And most likely no one reads them anyway so it really doesn't matter. Lol
Anyway, I would certainly love to be friends with the girls that held my hair for me because they are some real good people. However, if I were them, I'd probably avoid me like the plague because no one wants to babysit their friends and that was a terrible first impression. I promise I'm not usually this messy.
Well i guess i should get out of my lonely clubhouse room-do some reflecting on why I'm self-sabotaging and so awful at making friends. And then stop saying that. Lol and then make some friends! Statyyy tuneddd we'll see how it goes!
I hope this makes you feel better if you've ever embarrassed yourself before because this was truly mortifying. But as one of my LA friends reminded me, this is FL so it can't be the worst thing those people saw that day.
I hope she's right.
So moral of the story-remember to eat if you're drinking-what a basic human thing to screw up.
Also-try not to extra beat yourself up after already making a mistake! It's not the end of the world even though it might feel like it! And odds are, you might be awkward, but you can't be as awkward/pathetic as me trying to make friends and blacking out drunk at an event I went to all by myself so there's that at least.
Self-care and reflection day! Also now deciding whether or not I want to just cancel my gym membership and start over at a different gym..
Okay that's all for now. Hopefully that'll be the last embarrassing diary entry for a little while.